


My Looking-Glass Self

by lielabell



Category: Power Rangers
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Destruction, bad relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-29
Updated: 2011-12-29
Packaged: 2017-10-28 10:41:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,491
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lielabell/pseuds/lielabell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's just something magnetic about Tommy, something that tugs Adam to him no matter how terrible things get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_We imagine how we must appear to others._

Things don't end well for Adam and Tommy. They don't get the fairy tale wedding or anything like that. Which, seeing as how their relationship basically started with Adam nearly dead from his own stupidity and Tommy on the ugly side of three months down a bottle, is not really that surprising.

At first Adam thought that Tommy was there to read him the riot act, same as every other former Ranger who had bothered to visit him. Then he realized that Tommy was drunk. Again. And all he wanted to do was rant about the good old days and bemoan the fact that he didn't know where his broken morpher was. Because clearly using it again was a _good_ idea. When the nurses finally managed to get Tommy out of his room, Adam figure that was it. No more visits from Tommy for another year or so. But actually it's just the beginning.

Tommy drops by for drinks and to see how Adam is doing about two days after Adam is released from the hospital and somehow that one off thing turns into a weekly ritual. They go from talking about the past to talking about the present to talking about the future. From former friends, to sorta friends to something more than friends in little over a month. Then suddenly they are living together, fighting, fucking, loving the shit out of each other. And it's good. Or maybe it's the good side of bad. Whatever it is, Adam never wants it to end.

There's just something magnetic about Tommy, something that tugs Adam to him no matter how terrible things get. Tommy _gets_ him. Understands the hate and the anger and the loathing. Understands the need to be _doing_ something instead of passively watching from the side lines. Understand that dark, empty place that lives in Adam's head. That place that use to be filled with being a Ranger. That place that Tommy helps him patch over with hot, open mouth kisses and extremely rough sex.

But hot sex can only take you so far, and the end, when it comes, is worse than anything that has happened to Adam before. Worse than losing the power ever was. Because the power, well that never belonged to him the way that Tommy did.

Losing that, losing him, nearly kills Adam. He sinks deeper into the bottle than Tommy ever was, grows a nasty beard and refuses to bathe for about six months. He hurts, damn it, and he's going to wallow in it.

Because Adam is done. Just plain done. He doesn't want to get up and go to work. He doesn't want to see his friends or his family or anyone at all, really. He lays in bed and thinks about the various ways he could end it all. And then one night he downs a bottle of pills after a three day drinking binge.

When he wakes up in the hospital he see Tommy. Tommy, who for all intents and purposes put him there. And something in him breaks.

Adam starts screaming and doesn't stop until the nurses pump a shot full of something into his I.V. bag. Whatever it is, it puts him under and when he wakes up a second time, it's Rocky who's standing by his shoulder.

Rocky doesn't say a thing, not even when Adam breaks down completely, tears and snot streaming down his face. He just stands there, his hand gently stroking Adam's arm, offering him what little comfort his silence can afford. It's Rocky who checks him into rehab and lets him crash as his place when Adam checks out a good ninety days later.

They aren't really friends, not the way they once were. And they aren't lovers, Rocky's never been interested in being that. But they are a family. A strange and broken one, but a family none the less.

With Rocky, and a large amount of counseling, Adam is finally able to understand why Tommy left. Because they were killing each other, feeding on the darker parts of each other's psyches like some sort of twisted vampires. Making each other sink deeper into that pit of anger and hurt and fear. With Rocky's help, Adam is able to overcome his hurt, to reach out to Tommy and to genuinely offer forgiveness and friendship.

It's an offer that Tommy grabs with both hands. And, surprisingly enough, they end up being better friends than they ever were back in the day. Tommy, like Adam, has gone through rehab and has spent a good chunk of his time since then devoted to becoming the best that he can be. He encourages Adam to pursue his dreams, to reach for the stars. And when Adam talks about going back to school, Tommy helps him fill out applications and finds him a grant that will help pay most of the bill.

It's Tommy, this new and improved version of Tommy, who Adam calls when he finally meets someone he thinks he can be happy with. Tommy who tells him it will all be alright when things go south. And Tommy who acts as his wing-man when he's able to go back out on the prowl again.

So, yes, things didn’t work out for Adam and Tommy. Yes, they didn't have their own fairy tale wedding or live happily ever after. But for Adam none of that matters. Because it turns out having Tommy as a best friend is the best and most wonderful thing that has ever happened to him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of things that Tommy is good at, but dealing with being a Ranger again is not one of them.

_We imagine the judgment of that appearance._

There are a lot of things that Tommy is good at, but dealing with being a Ranger again is not one of them. Add on top of that the fact that he is a Black, a color he still thinks of as _Adam's_ , and you've got a powder keg just waiting to go off.

Not that it would have been any easier to be any other color, pretty much all of them would have been enough to send him back into a downward spiral, but having it be Adam's was just that extra kick in the teeth, that twist of the knife, letting him know that fate still hates him and that he will never, ever catch a break.

And the kicker is, he can't even talk to Adam about it. Not after the panicked phone call he got from Rocky. So here he is, back where he never wanted to be, in a color he hates for totally irrational reasons, trying to not have a complete relapse while he's supposed to be saving the world.

All Tommy can think is that he's too old for this shit. Way too old.

But thinking that doesn't change a damn thing and in the end he winds up turning to Hayley, which is just about the stupidest thing he has done in his life. Because Hayley has always wanted more from him than he can give. And sleeping with her only serves to make it overly clear that he just can't go there with her, no matter how much easier it would be to take that route.

So, actually, it's not such a bad thing when he ends up stuck in his suite then up and goes invisible.

It’s a natural break from whatever was going on between them. And when he finally gets his body back, the first thing Tommy does is call Adam. Because, what the fuck. If you can't call your best friend when you've just been invisible, when the hell can you?

And talking to Adam, god, it's the sip of cool water he's been dying for.

Sure, the conversation starts off poorly, what with both of their pasts and how hard they have had to work to get back to normal, but it smooths out pretty quickly and before Tommy has time to think about the wisdom of it, he's invited Adam up for the weekend to help him deal.

Which turns out to be code for fuck like bunnies.

And ah hell. Suddenly Tommy’s life is shot to shit again.

Because Adam is _Adam_. Tommy's ungettable get. The one he's been in love with since way back in the day. Adam, with his ridiculous hair and infectious smile and steaming hot body. Adam, who gets Tommy in a way no one else ever has. Adam, who Tommy nearly killed because he wasn't strong enough to end things right with him. Adam, who is suddenly not able to look him in the eyes and then doesn't return any of his calls.

Adam, who after that weekend is no longer even a remote part of Tommy's life.

Tommy, well, he soldiers on. He does what he's got to do. After all, he can't really break down when doing so means the end of the world as we know it. And, yeah, it sucks balls, but if that is what it takes for Adam to keep his shit together, well then Tommy completely understands.

By the time the world is no longer in mortal peril, Tommy's got his head back on right. Losing the power this time does not mean he hits every bar between Reefside and Angel Grove. Losing the power doesn't mean aching or emptiness or longing. Because, hell, losing the power doesn't have a thing on losing Adam. And Tommy's already made it through to the other side of that one.

Tommy sets about going back to the life he was living. The teaching, the research, the every day ordinary bullshit of it all. He's happy when he hears of another team, another villain, another set of monster-of-the-weeks. Because it means that the relentless eye of the public moves on. Reefside sinks back into obscurity and Tommy Oliver with it.

And that's that.

Except, well, just because Adam’s over Tommy doesn’t mean that the reverse is true. Just like just because the rest of the world is focused on the newest batch of rookies it doesn’t mean that Tommy’s forgotten what went down in Reefside.

So it's back for another round of costly therapy, which seriously blows.

It doesn't help that Tommy's doctor is also Adam's doctor, because there is a limited number of psychiatrists that can deal with the issues of a former Ranger and only one of them practices in SoCal. Which, of course, means that Tommy runs into Adam coming out of a session and damn is that ever awkward. Because, honestly, who wants their ex to know that they are still pretty fucked up in the head?

No one. That’s who.

But Adam just laughs and says that they should get together for old times sake, which is so typically Adam that it hurts. Tommy is on the verge of saying no, because he doesn't want to go down that road again. It always ends badly and he's sick of mooning over stupid Adam Park already. But then Adam catches his hand and looks deep into his eyes and says "please" in a half hesitant, half hopeful way and before he can figure out what happened, Tommy is promising to meet Adam tomorrow at eight.

And what the fuck. Seriously? Does he have absolutely no self-control at all?

Clearly, the answer to that question is "NO" because not only does Tommy go, he spends about an hour and a half deciding what god damn shirt to wear. Which is just plain ridiculous.

But the restaurant is nice and the conversation goes well and before they go their separate ways, Adam and Tommy set up a date for a Friday night two weeks out. Well, not so much a date as another meeting that Adam jokingly called a date, in a "it's a date!" sort of way. Not that that prevented Tommy from spending the next week and a half obsessing over the quote unquote date until Hayley told him that she was going to lock him in her underground lair if he didn't shut up about it already.

For all his fussing, Tommy somehow manages to be twenty minutes late, through no fault of his own, but still. Twenty minutes is way more time than most people would hang around waiting for their ex-turned-best-friend who they accidentally slept with again and then ignored for a year. So Tommy totally expects Adam to be long gone by the time he finally makes it to their designated meeting place. But he's not. And his face lights up like a candle when he spots Tommy walking through the door. And that just makes Tommy feel like he's walking on air. The rest of the evening, well it goes just fine thank you. Tommy doesn't invite Adam to come home with him, even though he's gagging for it, and Adam doesn't ask either. But they do share a skin-searing kiss and then make plans to meet up again the following Friday.

This time there's no reason to dither over if it's a date. And when they leave the restaurant, they leave together. And the sex? It pretty much blows Tommy mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam isn't really surprised to find himself siting on the edge of Tommy's bed, his head cradled in his hands, wondering what the hell he has gotten himself into...

_We develop our sense of self through that imagined judgement._

There should be a hard and fast rule about mornings after. Either you both decided to embrace the fact that you slept with someone you shouldn't have graceful, or you both cringe and get the hell out of dodge as fast as humanly possible. It shouldn’t be a little of column A and a little of column B, the way it is now. Adam, for his part, is embracing his stupidity. Tommy, well, he's cringing for all he's worth.

Which is really making it hard for Adam to do the whole embracing-it-gracefully thing. Especially since they are at Tommy’s house and Adam can’t even offer to make breakfast as an ice breaker without it being awkward and weird. So instead he opts for a shower, takes ten times as long as he normally does, and is grateful to find Tommy with his game face on when he finally gets out.

Although maybe walking out in just a towel was a bad idea, since Tommy’s eyes are lingering on his hips and oh god. Being a guy really, really sucks sometimes. He blushes and is about to turn away and hurry back to the bathroom when Tommy closes the distance between them, eyes hot and hands eager. And, hot damn, turns out morning after sex is _amazing_.

But then, the sex was never the problem. It was everything else that went with it.

So Adam isn't really surprised to find himself siting on the edge of Tommy's bed, his head cradled in his hands, wondering what the hell he has gotten himself into some three hours later. Tommy, for his part, is off at work, attempting to get the kiddies in his classes to use their heads for something other than hat racks, blissfully unaware that Adam is having a nervous breakdown in his bed. Which, really, is pretty much in keep with the whole of their fucked up relationship.

And Adam ought to know better by now. He's been to hell and back with Tommy, he's paid umpteen thousand dollars to try and get his head screwed on right and now he's gone and blown it all because Tommy... is _Tommy_. And still somehow manages to draw Adam to him like a moth to a flame.

He grinds his palms into his eyes and lets out a strange cross between a whimper and a growl. Because, seriously. What the fuck is wrong with him?

How long he sits there, Adam isn’t sure. All he knows is that at some point he managed to get up, get dressed, and get the hell out of dodge, the way he should have that morning. He leaves a note, something sweet and meaningless about great times and hoping to see each other again soon, because he's not going to kick Tommy in the nads just because he's got major unresolved issues. But when he leaves, Adam isn't planning on ever coming back.

And, yeah, it sucks that they won't be friends any more, that Adam won't ever be able to call Tommy up and shoot the shit or moan about some petty b.s. or just, you know, talk to him. Listen to his thoughts. Connect with him in the most basic way possible. But that's life. Or at least that's Adam's life. The life where nothing ever seems to come easy for him and everything good ends up disappearing without a trace.

Except Tommy? He's sort of refusing to disappear this time round. He calls and texts and emails Adam like some crazy stalker in a made for T.V. movie. And it's not just him. Kim, Billy, Jason, Hayley and Aisha all get in on the act too. But it's not until Rocky shows up, pissed and itching for a fight, that Adam realizes just how fucked up his friends think his behavior is. Because, dude. Rocky wants to kick his ass. _Rocky_.

It doesn't take long after that for Adam to find himself face to face with Tommy again. An angry, massively hurt Tommy, who doesn't seem to want to do anything other than cuss Adam out. Which, okay, Adam gets that. He was a total tool and lead Tommy on and then couldn't deal with the fallout. He deserves a little ass chewing. But he also deserves a second chance. Or maybe a third chance. Or whatever number chance this is. Because he gets it now. He understand that Tommy is under his skin in a way that no one ever has been and no one ever will be again. Tommy is in his blood, damn it, and from the way Tommy's ranting, Adam's fairly certain the reverse is also true.

So Adam does what he does best: throws himself at Tommy, wraps his arms around him and drags him into a frantic kiss. Tommy... doesn't react too terribly to that actually. He nips and bites at Adam's mouth, his hands coming up to tug and pull at Adam's hair. And, yes, the kiss starts out angry, but it doesn't end that way. No, it's more a desperate, needy ending, leaving both of them panting and aching for more.

So Adam is more than a little surprised when Tommy pulls away from him with a rough "No" and a very unhappy look. Before Adam can ask why the hell not, Tommy is launching into yet another rant about timing and running and how things need to get sorted out between them and that they can’t just jump back in bed with each other again. And that makes sense, Adam knows it does, but all he really wants to do is lose himself in Tommy and, well, not being able to do that makes his heart ache.

Still, Tommy isn't closing the door or anything. He's just asking Adam to wait a little while before walking through it. And to, um, go to couples counseling. Which Adam agrees to only because he really, really wants to get it right this time.

And, you know what? Somehow he does. Even though the odds are stacked against them and every one who knows them thinks that they are making the mistake to end all mistakes, it works.

Tommy is _happy_. Really, truly happy. He smiles so much that he's getting wrinkles from it. And Adam? He feels like he won the god damn lottery or something. Because Tommy's there and they aren't fighting or drinking or self destructing at all. They do all those stupid things that healthy, normal couples do. Like getting a dog and buying a house and joining the H.O.A. because someone has to do something about the state of the neighborhood. Hell, they are so well adjusted that they are thinking about adopting.

But before they can do that, they have to seal the deal, so to speak. So they have this small, quite ceremony in the same church that Adam's parents were married in. There is an equally small, quite reception afterwards, or as small and quite as any gathering of Rangers ever is. They even get punked, when Zack replaces the cake toppers with a couple of old school White and Black Zeo Ranger action figures.

Their honeymoon isn't interrupted by zombies from space or a giant rapping pig or a crazy pizza monster. And life after that? It's pretty damn perfect. Sure, they bicker like any couple, but they don't _fight_. In fact, things go so smoothly that neither of them has any trouble at all with Adam being called back to help out the Operation Overdrive team. And that, Adam thinks, is a close to a fairy tale ending as anyone can ever expect to get.

**Author's Note:**

> The looking-glass self is a social psychological concept, created by Charles Horton Cooley in 1902, stating that a person's self grows out of society's interpersonal interactions and the perceptions of others. The term refers to people shaping themselves based on other people's perception, which leads the people to reinforce other people's perspectives on themselves. People shape themselves based on what other people perceive and confirm other people's opinion on themselves.
> 
> What? I went to college once. :D


End file.
